As she dreams...

When Isabela was a baby and knew that she would be in and out of hospitals, mostly in the middle of the night, I made a very conscious decision to not encourage her to cling to anything such as a doll, pacifier, blanket or anything that could be left behind in what could be a frazzled, hurried moment out the door to the ER. The vision of an upset child over a forgotten friend was not something I wanted to add to any of our agony. I decided that her Mami would be that thing, that person, that safety she could count on always being there with her.

Since we have been home from the hospital, about two and a half weeks now, I have had what seems like a fussy infant's schedule. Isabela is having terrible nightmares and it usually scares her awake about 3-4 times a night. There are times she shoots up from bed and cries or is desperately asking for me. I have been aching for her and wishing I could make it stop as she wrestles with whatever image she is seeing. My back is being kicked, I wake up often to reposition her so that we won't suffocate her and often, wipe sweat from her forehead. My body hurts immensely every single day, even more as it is still recovering from sleep deprivation from the hospital stay. But, there is no other choice. Ther is no way we could let her sleep in her bed alone...no way! I would definitley never sleep with the worry. I have exchanged emails/Facebook messages with doctors and nurse practitioners, who are also mothers, who assure me that it is age appropriate, but also part of the trauma that comes from a major ICU stay. They support me 100% with our sleeping arrangement and even encourage me to keep her in our bed and even continue our routine until she is ready to be on her own, nightmares or not! (They do it, too!)They have even shared with me personal stories of well-adjusted friends or patients who slept with their parents for a very long time :-)), not that I doubted it, look at Crystal!


So, with that, comes the every-day, special bedtime that takes anywhere from 20-60 minutes of what could be a nice night-time break for me or Sammy. Since birth, Isabela falls asleep with one of us in our bed/her bed. It's hard sometimes, but it's what we do and Sammy and I don't have any desire to change it. There is so much sweetness exchanged from the quiet cuddling in bed. I really believe that that time is what really puts the seal in our bond. I believe that because my mom used to do the same with me, and those are the moments I treasure the most with her, mostly because of the exclusive intimacy and quiet conversations. I have always been open about "our child who still sleeps with us", many many friends know that they can never come to me for bedtime advice, because my way, isn't usually the most desirable way. That has been ok. Otherwise, they just may find their back killing them from sleeping with their husband, 4 yr old and college kid! Yup, Crystal sleeps with us most of the nights she's home from college. It's just what a Cal. King bed is for, right?! Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it just happens.


That special sleeping arrangement and the candle, El Angel de La Guarda, that Isabela and I are praying over as it holds its beautiful flame, is our action plan as we endure these horrid nights. The candle and special prayer is a Catholic thing we do (won't go into detail on the blog). It's an eternal spiritual gift my mother gave me, it's one that Isabela has been given this week...and I hope she will continue to treasure it.