Unyielding Guilt

This afternoon's visit was to Texas Children's Hospital's dentist. The only dentist there. Every time we go, I have a huge wave of guilt wash over me as we wait in the waiting room. It wasn't always like that. Dr. Carter has specialized training in treating children with chronic or terminal illnesses, Isabela's safest care is found there. So, you can imagine the special children you would find in the massive waiting room. There are children with facial deformities, children with cerebral palsy, children with mental retardation and then, children like Isabela, with heart disease. But, usually, she's the only there in our "look pretty healthy" group. Compared to the other patients, Isabela is a seemingly healthy child. To the uneducated eye, it's hard to tell she has a chronic illness, and they especially can't tell that I am sitting there trying to swallow big lumps because I know they are thinking "lucky her" (me). I know this, I was there many hard years ago. But, today, I sat there, holding back the tears that came with my guilt. I sat there wanting to tell them, "I am one of you! She has a broken heart, abnormal lungs, no spleen, her abdominal organs are on the wrong side and she has an malfunctioning pyloris. Please don't hate me." It's tough. I am torn with really not wanting to be part of their group, because that would mean a life with less quality, but I still can't help to be connected with mothers of special needs children. I get it, the whole thing. So much, that at times I feel naked without Isabela's feeding tube.




God has blessed us, given us more for Isabela than I ever imagined was possible. So, today, like I do always, I prayed for each child there. I hardly ever ask for anything, but today I had quite the list. I wanted so much for the families positioned accross from me. Mainly, my request was for laughter...and quality, accessible health care.


Btw, Isabela's teeth look fabulous, no build-up to clean, no cavities to fill. Although my little girl usually has a piece of candy every day, she does a good job of flossing and brushing away the evidence!


-- Posted from my iPhone