School House

Isabela,

I found your school...finally! After 8 long school tours which began in January, I can't believe that I overlooked the school that your Aunt Nancy and your cousins Bryan and Zachary have attended (7 min. drive away). On a day that I was immensely frustrated and scared that I wouldn't find just the right place for you, your Grandpa Pops was here and passed along the idea. "Of course!" is what I exclaimed. The next day I toured, today you were assessed and I must say that after seeing everyone congregate around you after your assessment, I knew you belonged there and that you felt it too. It all fell into place so easily. I am always amazed on how you have the energy that makes everyone gravitate to you. I wish you could see it from where I stand.

This time, I did not make any mention of your heart disease until after your assessment. I was not about to let anyone else handicap you or even give you special treatment in admitting you. I wanted YOU to merit it all for the wonderful person you are.

Additionally, when I talked to the school's nurse about your heart disease and the precautions I would expect them to take with you, I asked her "Do you think your school can handle her?" The nurse so sincerely replied " Of course. All children deserve to go to school." The school had me there.

(Papi's office)

However, with this happy new-found news comes a bit of a bittersweet stage in my life. Because I wanted a more structured curriculum for you, that means you will attend school on a full-time basis-- Mon.-Fri, 8-3. I was torn about that one. I just love being with you on weekdays that I don't work. But, today, I implored to myself that this is your time, not mine. You would think I would be thrilled about having 16-24 hours a week all to myself, but I am not, at least not right now. So, of course, before heading out the exit doors of your new Catholic School, I asked about signing up for their Volunteer training and background check. I hope you are ok with sharing your space with me. I just want to support your academic environment any way I can. But, don't worry, I just may pick up those tennis lessons I have been waiting to pick up these past four years :-) Wow, am I really a mother of a College Kid and a Pre-Kindergardener? Is it my turn now, already?

Con Carino,

Mami

Because I love you...

On August 25, 2004, when I asked Isabela's ICU nurse what I should do to comfort Isabela after her surgery, while she lay restrained with cables, wires and a breathing tube in her warmer, the nurse confidently told me that touching her would console her and make her fight even stronger for her life. She showed me by taking my hand and placing it over Isabela's tiny cheek. That's all I could really do for six weeks, until I got to hold her for those 7 minutes. So, I did it well. Very well. So well, that Isabela does it to me now. She's a huge cuddler and will often tell you how she feels about you, more often accompanied with a lush kiss. But, how could she not with all of us around here always touching, hugging, kissing and even tickling to death. It's in my blood to touch. I certainly love kissing and caressing the girls (and Sammy!). I hope that the girls always feel comfortable with such an intimate demonstration of love among their loved ones.
I write about it today since it was a day full of it. Since I am still recovering from what seems to be a stubborn sinus infection, I have had the need to be babied. So, Crystal and I got to go to a cheesy, romantic movie, and we were arm in arm or I was hugging on her or squeezing her face on to mine. In between my whole-hearted affection, I said "I love you" to her, as she responded, "me too." I just loved it! Later in the day when Isabela preferred to come home with me instead of spending the night with her fun cousins, she found me on the couch, pulled on my shorts to climb on to me and rested her head against my left shoulder as she raised my left hand to kiss it oh so profoundly and said "Te quiero Mami", oh so profoundly again. Ahh... This time, she was the one to let me know that she is here for me. Lately, with being overcome with anxiety over her upcoming heart procedures, I need to know that.

As a matter of fact, this post ends here. Sammy and Crystal just got back from renting a movie. This is a movie that was declared for a "family cuddling night". Yup, we even all four lay in bed, watch a movie and then fall asleep together on our king size bed until morning time. My back will be killing me, but it will be all worth it. My most favorite kind of night.

A Magical Connection

There is something really magical about my connection with my friend Christina. At first sight, watching her care for Isabela when she was only days old, very sick and very needy, Christina seemed very in tune with Isabela's needs and so diligently, anticipated any and all needs that followed. Like I did with Valerie, I fell in love with Christina and immediately requested her to be Isabela's other primary nurse. I was very quick to recognize quality work and recruit the best nurses for my baby. Talk about a super clean freak!! And so smart! And funny! Lovely with beautifully styled curly hair! And, oh, what a shopaholic! But, my favorite thing about her, is that she's so perceptive. She has a way of knowing, seeing, feeling and hearing all that is around her. But, what I have noticed even more so since she has put hundreds of miles between us by living in Dallas and now Portland, she has an incredible way of being in accordance with my feelings, especially the painful ones. When ever I have subconsciously wished that I could talk with her, to be straightened out or even laughed at, Christina seems to magically know and call me or email me. As she always is so blunt with me, she tells me not what I want to hear, but what I so desperately need to hear. Such a wise woman. Hmmm...actually, I need to change my favorite thing about her. I think what I especially love is the way she loves her little Izabella (her pronunciation!). I can't wait for Isabela to truly understand one day just how carefully Christina took care of her for those long months and how that same woman, saved me then, and now, from falling apart. Oh what I have learned about myself through her. So, when God gave me Isabela's little difficult life with her illnesses, he so smartly gave me all the wonderful women in my life now. He knew that I couldn't do it without them...I know that, too. My friends are so amazing!

So, with Christina's permission, I am posting an email conversation between the two of us after she read my last blog featuring the poem about moms. I want the girls to read this one day.

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Brenda, As always I hope all is well with you and everyone you love so dearly. I have been reading your blogs from time to time and seeing how incredibly busy you are this summer, trying to give you the summer to enjoy your girls. But, I just wanted to let you know as always you are in my thoughts and prayers. The recent pic of Isabela back in the ICU, when she was so incredibly scrawny makes me realize how far she has come. I do not think of her as that little girl any more, but of this strong (physically and willfully), inquisitive, sensitive and smart little girl. You and Sam have done such a fabulous job. I sometimes wonder what God is doing, but he was so wise when he picked the two of you. I can feel your heart breaking from here and this time it is not Isabela. I can not imagine how hard it is to let someone you love so much to use their wings and fly. She will come back. You have taught her well. She is mature, yet childlike, compassionate, yet strong, adventurous, yet moral, and intelligent , yet smart. She has all the tolls to succeed and enjoy the life she has ahead of her. Your relationship should change, but only for the better. I know that as I grew older I only learned to love and respect my Grandmother more and more. I also found myself gravitated towards her home more often as well. I hope you are remembering to enjoy all the little moments. They go so quickly and you tend to worry so. You are so lucky, two fabulous girls, a great husband , who adores you, and friends who think you are amazing. Christina

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Hey!!

You always know when I need you!
This morning, even as I was pressed for time, I went to expedia.com, for fun, and researched flights. Only one particular location...Portland. I really want to go and see you...I know if I tell Sammy, he will flip, mainly b/c he won't understand that I want to travel on my own. I am going through something.

I AM having a hard time letting go of Crystal. I am back again to having a hard time letting go of Isabela (surgery). It seems like every time Isabela has a b-day coming up, I get sad. Trust me, I listen to your voice every time, "enjoy the moments with Isabela, especially the happy ones." I know I have everything a woman would want, but to think that Crystal won't be around and that God could take Isabela back with him, frightens me so much! Crystal told me jokingly yesterday that I have been hogging her from the world. Today, she told me that I may be doing that with Isabela too as Isabela cried when dropped off at day camp. Where do I draw the line??

Christina, I am sad. Not drepessed, not mad, not disapoointed, just sad. Albeit, I am so grateful, unfortunately, I am too much of a realist.

But, you're right, you were there every step of the way with Isabela. I will never forget how I know deep in my heart that you sent me away that afternoon to grab lunch before you allowed me to hold Isabela after months of not being able to b/c of her breathing tube. I think you sent me away for selfish reasons, you wanted to hold her too! I will never forget how touched I was when I walked in, ready to be granted your permission because I ate lunch, but watching Isabela's head rest on your left shoulder, with so much love. I was so touched by that and knew that I was not the only one who loved her. I have always wanted that for her, to be loved by everyone and anyone. I will try my best to crawl out of this sadness and marvel in this miracle of 4 years!!

I don't know how you read me all the way in Oregon, but you always seem to....you always have. Thank you for accepting my request as Isabela's primary nurse almost 4 yrs. ago, I never, ever have regretted that, obviously, even though you first rejected me, I am sure you are Ok with having changed your mind!!! ;-))))

Brenda