Look at Me Now

Feeling 87% myself. The figure is pretty conservative. I don't know if I will ever dare say 100%. Don't know that I have ever been there. But, this feels pretty darn good to me right now.

In just one day (yesterday),

We got up at 6 am to meet family and friends who would be walking on behalf of Congenital Heart Disease at a downtown park,

Walked 2.5 miles for Isabela, while carrying her, or Reagan or running along side 8 little friends,

Easily socialized for 2 hours while standing in the same square of grass,

Lunched with my girls and my father-in-law at a favorite city cafe,

Shopped in the Galleria for fun dresses and accessories,

Curled my locks of hair while jamming to Chris Botti, U2, Shakira, Mana and a mix of jazz,

Slipped on a new favorite LBD, paired with my favorite 3.5 inch heels,

Excitedly, and slyly managed to out bid 3 items in the Silent Auction at Isabela's school Gala,

Again, socialized a lot,

Danced to country, salsa, cumbia, pop and oldies music for exactly TWO hours, maybe missed a couple of songs to grab a sip of a lime flavored cocktail,

Kissed my very good friend/sister on her cheek,

and stayed up until 2 am with Sammy, just to chat, over a burger.

Oh, almost forgot. Last night was the first time in about two months with absolutely no nightmares.

Ahhhh, a day in my life, as I used to know it......Welcome Back to ME!!! (as Daniela plainly stated)

Are you Back in TX???

Yoohoo!! Hellooo???

Christina, are you back???

I have been waiting for months for this day. Tell me you have made it.

I can hardly take it! My lovely, just-about-knows-me-better-than-I-do friend is moving back to her beloved Austin, Texas. Yippeeeeeee!

Christina,

I know you are my loyal blog reader, so here I am reaching out for you....

I have left you alone the past few days. From our last phone call two weeks ago, I knew you were about to go into a whirlwind with moving accross the country and all the annoying loose ends that were out of your control. But, like I told you, I had a hard time feeling bad for you. I am selfishly filled with so much glee!!! I just realllly want you here, no matter what!

Five years ago, you took care of our little girl in the hospital for six long months. Since then, you left for Dallas and then Portland. With only a few visits in between, you have managed to be an amazing friend and caretaker for ME over hundreds of miles. Now, with you only 2 hours and 15 min. away, I can't wait to see you more often. Isabela has no idea what she's in store for with you in her life. I am really looking forward to the day I leave her on your doorstep and you get to bask in the little girl you fought oh so hard to keep alive so that she could come home to us.

The only thing I will miss about your being outside of Texas is the anticipation of those birthday packages delivered to our door. You never missed one special occassion in our lives. But, I hope this means you will take your little Isabela on a shopping spree instead! She is sure to have the love for shopping in common with you!

I have a feeling Austin, Texas will be seeing more of us from now on ..

We Love you dearly, Christina.

August 2007, with Isabela's other Primary care nurse, Valerie. Christina surprised us by driving from Dallas that day to celebrate Isabela's 3rd birthday.

Dearest Cavett,

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here on my special day to celebrate my "Happy Heart Party" , in my own words....

This may not be as formal as hand-written "thank you" notes, but we hope Cavett enjoys it just as much! (that was the point).

A Magical Connection

There is something really magical about my connection with my friend Christina. At first sight, watching her care for Isabela when she was only days old, very sick and very needy, Christina seemed very in tune with Isabela's needs and so diligently, anticipated any and all needs that followed. Like I did with Valerie, I fell in love with Christina and immediately requested her to be Isabela's other primary nurse. I was very quick to recognize quality work and recruit the best nurses for my baby. Talk about a super clean freak!! And so smart! And funny! Lovely with beautifully styled curly hair! And, oh, what a shopaholic! But, my favorite thing about her, is that she's so perceptive. She has a way of knowing, seeing, feeling and hearing all that is around her. But, what I have noticed even more so since she has put hundreds of miles between us by living in Dallas and now Portland, she has an incredible way of being in accordance with my feelings, especially the painful ones. When ever I have subconsciously wished that I could talk with her, to be straightened out or even laughed at, Christina seems to magically know and call me or email me. As she always is so blunt with me, she tells me not what I want to hear, but what I so desperately need to hear. Such a wise woman. Hmmm...actually, I need to change my favorite thing about her. I think what I especially love is the way she loves her little Izabella (her pronunciation!). I can't wait for Isabela to truly understand one day just how carefully Christina took care of her for those long months and how that same woman, saved me then, and now, from falling apart. Oh what I have learned about myself through her. So, when God gave me Isabela's little difficult life with her illnesses, he so smartly gave me all the wonderful women in my life now. He knew that I couldn't do it without them...I know that, too. My friends are so amazing!

So, with Christina's permission, I am posting an email conversation between the two of us after she read my last blog featuring the poem about moms. I want the girls to read this one day.

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Brenda, As always I hope all is well with you and everyone you love so dearly. I have been reading your blogs from time to time and seeing how incredibly busy you are this summer, trying to give you the summer to enjoy your girls. But, I just wanted to let you know as always you are in my thoughts and prayers. The recent pic of Isabela back in the ICU, when she was so incredibly scrawny makes me realize how far she has come. I do not think of her as that little girl any more, but of this strong (physically and willfully), inquisitive, sensitive and smart little girl. You and Sam have done such a fabulous job. I sometimes wonder what God is doing, but he was so wise when he picked the two of you. I can feel your heart breaking from here and this time it is not Isabela. I can not imagine how hard it is to let someone you love so much to use their wings and fly. She will come back. You have taught her well. She is mature, yet childlike, compassionate, yet strong, adventurous, yet moral, and intelligent , yet smart. She has all the tolls to succeed and enjoy the life she has ahead of her. Your relationship should change, but only for the better. I know that as I grew older I only learned to love and respect my Grandmother more and more. I also found myself gravitated towards her home more often as well. I hope you are remembering to enjoy all the little moments. They go so quickly and you tend to worry so. You are so lucky, two fabulous girls, a great husband , who adores you, and friends who think you are amazing. Christina

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Hey!!

You always know when I need you!
This morning, even as I was pressed for time, I went to expedia.com, for fun, and researched flights. Only one particular location...Portland. I really want to go and see you...I know if I tell Sammy, he will flip, mainly b/c he won't understand that I want to travel on my own. I am going through something.

I AM having a hard time letting go of Crystal. I am back again to having a hard time letting go of Isabela (surgery). It seems like every time Isabela has a b-day coming up, I get sad. Trust me, I listen to your voice every time, "enjoy the moments with Isabela, especially the happy ones." I know I have everything a woman would want, but to think that Crystal won't be around and that God could take Isabela back with him, frightens me so much! Crystal told me jokingly yesterday that I have been hogging her from the world. Today, she told me that I may be doing that with Isabela too as Isabela cried when dropped off at day camp. Where do I draw the line??

Christina, I am sad. Not drepessed, not mad, not disapoointed, just sad. Albeit, I am so grateful, unfortunately, I am too much of a realist.

But, you're right, you were there every step of the way with Isabela. I will never forget how I know deep in my heart that you sent me away that afternoon to grab lunch before you allowed me to hold Isabela after months of not being able to b/c of her breathing tube. I think you sent me away for selfish reasons, you wanted to hold her too! I will never forget how touched I was when I walked in, ready to be granted your permission because I ate lunch, but watching Isabela's head rest on your left shoulder, with so much love. I was so touched by that and knew that I was not the only one who loved her. I have always wanted that for her, to be loved by everyone and anyone. I will try my best to crawl out of this sadness and marvel in this miracle of 4 years!!

I don't know how you read me all the way in Oregon, but you always seem to....you always have. Thank you for accepting my request as Isabela's primary nurse almost 4 yrs. ago, I never, ever have regretted that, obviously, even though you first rejected me, I am sure you are Ok with having changed your mind!!! ;-))))

Brenda

Expansion

There's one thing I couldn't get off my mind today. It wasn't so much looming in my mind as it was in my heart. Today, at our sixth visit to St. Luke's Methodist Church, when it came time for the children in the congregation to meet Dr. Pace at the alter, Isabela's friend, Cavett, so confidently paved his way through the pews, grabbed Isabela's hand as I was about to whisk her away with me, and in such a gallant manner, pulled Isabela with him, showed her a place on the floor next to him and sat with her so devotedly until it was time to return to us, and again, paving the road for both of them, hand in hand.

No one asked him to do that and it wasn't the first time he offered a sense of protection for her. He is 3 1/2 years old and realizes that his church is really not a familiar place to Isabela. He has made sure his friend has not been troubled. That's the kind of man that mothers want for their daughters. That's the kind of man that we will whole-heartedly welcome in our home.

Cavett, I love you. Thank you for making me feel safe.

(pic taken July 2007)