Oh, boy, where do I start on this one. At Crystal's request so that she can read about this years from now, I am going to write about Crystal's latest tribulations, to find herself. Actually, my own tribulations in trying to find her, too.
Let me start off by saying that the first year of letting your kid go off to college is immensely painful. It's one of those bittersweet sensations in which you can be so proud, spreading it around the world that I have such a grown-up kid that can handle it all, but then live with the fear of not that she will fail, but that in some way, our bond will fail and not keep us together. Moreover, her absence alone is enough to make my heart ache.
But, I did it! I survived the year. Of course doing something as drastic as moving out of our old house and into a brand new one helped greatly. In this past year, I have wondered what it would be like once she was home, as a young adult, as a person who has freely moved around from school, to home, to anywhere. I not only wondered how Crystal would feel being home, but wondered if I knew the right way to set the tone. Well, I didn't. For the first month, we argued. We argued like we never had. My issue was that I wanted her every waking moment and then some. I couldn't understand why she had to sleep until 10 am. "3 wasted hours without us" is what I would tell her when barging in her room to wake her up with my elevated voice. Then there was the sharing her with her friends who stayed home to attend college. They wanted to be around her at any given chance. I had always welcomed them in our house, but recently wished they wouldn't have come around. It was ugly. Not so ugly like you may see on television, but ugly enough for what we were accustomed to.
I think it finally took Crystal admitting to me that she was going through something. She had a very difficult first year in college with her Engineering classes. I had talked with her advisor before Isabela's surgery to make sure Crystal was fine, knowng that Crystal may be reluctant to tell me any ugly truths because of my burden with Isabela's heart surgery. I was right. She took 6 classes each semester, with 3 labs, not to mention that she was an officer in her Women in Engineering Organization. According to her advisor, Crystal took the kind of load she OKs for her Juniors, not Freshman. She added when I talked with her that Crystal has been overly ambitious. I agree that it's in her nature, but this time, it got the best of her. Although, she did well in her courses, very well, it wasn't good enough for Crystal. So, with that being said, Crystal had some issues during May and June with her self-worth. She was questioning her abilities a lot and wondering why she was doing the things she had set out to do. She was searching for other possibilities and even asking herself "what is all this for anyway?". She asked me, "Is life really about having a job, a mortgage, kids?" Yes, scary stuff. Right when I was at home, at the tail-end of Isabela's heart surgery recovery, my poor big baby was facing some tremendous self-doubt.
We had some friends talk with her and we talked with her extensively. I admit, I would periodically ask her "If you ever think suicide, you tell me fast!" Not an ounce in me thought she would, but I had to be safe. We prescribed that she not take on a summer job (aside from random babysitting for friends), no more summer classes and I have let her sleep, all she wants. As long as her chores have been done, we have let her exercise her right as an adult, a responsible one. It's been hard to come up with a working plan. I have no friends with children in Crystal's age range, but what I have had are my friends' stories on their own off-to-college years. So much insight.
I am sure Crystal will agree that our arguing is a thing of the past. We get each other now and our bond is stronger than ever!
Crystal has only always exceeded our expectations. I wouldn't change a thing about you, Mija.
No comments:
Post a Comment