Life After Surgery

My father-in-law loves one thing about me, this I know for sure. He really appreciates my splendor of being so unconventional on things that may seem so orthodox to him, so normal for most people. He's in his late 60's, has lived a very good life with a realm of experiences in keeping with family and cultural traditions, but yet, he respects me for never blinking twice on wondering what people will think of me. Like he likes to put it, I tend to "stir some sh-- (crap)!" However, there is one thing we disagreed on a few weeks ago that I was so sure was the best way , but today, it doesn't feel so right after all.

With Isabela's impending surgery, I have tried to prepare for it since the minute I knew of it, four years ago. I started with making sure that she would grow to be respectful, thoughtful and appreciative of everyone around her, and especially of medical staff, even if they were out to get her blood, literally! Then as she has gotten older, we have role-played trips to the doctor's office, talked about the special role of doctors and nurses and have encouraged her talk about her pains, either physical or emotional. We let her cry if she falls, we let her engage with her pain and be vocal about it. As the day is inching itself toward us even more, we have appropriately been discussing THE surgery. So, recently, my father-in-law heard Isabela say words like "After the surgery, I want to go....". He told me I shouldn't have told her anything about it, that she was too young. I know it hurt him. I know he wished that Isabela could be put to sleep and never know about it. But, I disagreed. Although she will not see a thing, hear a thing, or feel a thing during surgery, after surgery, she will wake to an open wound on her chest. How would I explain that then? Well, that's how I have felt the last few weeks. But as of this weekend, and especially after spending almost all day today biscotti baking at her cousins' house, listening to her say things like "After surgery, I want to go see Mickey Mouse." Followed by, "After surgery, I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese." Then, "After surgery, I want to go see the ducks at the lake." A big hole has been found in my heart today. What have I done? I don't want to hear the words "surgery". I don't want to be reminded. Fortunately, Isabela announces it with an obvious dismissal of fear. But, my fear has only multiplied now, making it sound so real. Additionally, it reminds me of the list of things Isabela has not been able to partake, as most kids her age have. It actually makes me mad!

So, if God will permit me, AFTER SURGERY, these are the things that Isabela will get to do for the first time, because her heart will be stronger.

1) Meet Mickey Mouse at Disney World

2) Enjoy her first trip to the Childrens Museum (even though Daniela got them to open the museum just for her on a Saturday morning, but someone failed to call her in time)

3) Play in a Chick-Fil-A play area for more than 2 minutes

4) Board an airplane ride to almost any place

5) Travel to my most favorite place in the world, Guatemala to meet my family, her grandparents, cousins, etc.

6) Go to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time

But, sadly, Isabela will never get to take a gymnastic class, play most contact sports and never travel without her medications. But, then again, I never like saying "never".

I love you Isabela, and I get so mad for you. May you never feel my greatest pain.

Christina, yes, it's starting already... you need to call me soon.