Letting Go Is Not Easy

This one is about Crystal. Actually, about me with Crystal. What an awful mother I have been to her. A selfish one. Now that I have had a conversation with myself, with my head pulled down, and have said it out loud to a couple of friends, I can now write about it to Crystal. Maybe tomorrow, I will have the guts to actually tell her myself.

So, I have a huge problem with letting go. Dropping off Crystal in college was manageable back in August because I had promises that she would return every week or every other week. I hung on to the anticipation of those visits. I especially looked forward to this visit, the 38 day holiday break one. But, now, our days are counted. She leaves on Sunday. We have already talked about and agreed that she shouldn't come into town as often as she did this past semester. She (and I) wants to socialize more in Austin and build lasting friendships. So, the pain associated with those gaps in visits is horrifying me! I just have this terrible need to see her, hear her, touch her and laugh with her. I tell her all the time that she is half of the air I breathe. It really does feel that way. So, how have I been terrible? I have made it difficult for her to see her friends, and her friends have even playfully mentioned it. I have made it difficult for her to do anything that does not involve me. Result? She speaks up, I get upset, and an argument ensues. We have never had an issue with her talking back to me or us getting into a 5 minute, emotionally strained disagreement. The last two weeks, we have. It's stupid of me and I am only pushing her away by doing it. But, I can't seem to get a grip and let her go! I don't get how other parents really mean when they say that they can not wait for their kids to leave for college. I don't get it.

Well, then there is Isabela. The decision to send her to school full-time or part-time next school year. My teacher brain tells me full-time, especially since she is losing a few months of this school year for surgery. I also explored possibilities in transferring her to another school. Although her school is extremely nurturing, on target with curriculum standards and have the lowest class sizes I have even seen, I had to explore in order to confirm the right place for her. So, my difficult issue right now is whether to give up my time with her so that she could go to school 4-5 days, instead of her current 3 day program. Sure, I could finally take up tennis, be a stronger runner, create more elaborate meals at home, etc., but none compares to being with her, enjoying her. I am still praying on this one...letting her go, sort of.

I recently told a friend that I don't know if I could handle a third child. Raising Isabela and Crystal takes so much of the core of my heart. There's so much concern, fear, anxiety along with all the love. Having a girl in far-away college and another with a chronic illness is taking a toll on me. There are so many matters of the heart involved.

I will continue to pray for the strength to share Crystal and Isabela with the world. I really shouldn't be selfish. Like I said, I have been a terrible mother lately. I do hope they forgive me. Because, the bottomeline is that I have fallen completely and utterly in love with both of my girls. I want what they want.