My Other Kids

In the last couple of weeks, I have really been feeling the pain of my contract ending at work. I have 26 days left and they feel so counted at this point. It's mixed emotions in that I am ready to have the next four months off to just be "Mami" to Isabela and Crystal. However, in the 6 months that I do work as a Reading Specialist, for 2-3 days a week, I have come to realize that I am also a "Mommy" to other kids, other than my own. So, I am having "abandonment" issues with that.

In my very special role, I identify those kiddos who are below their appropriate reading levels and who are very at-risk of failing. I am supposed to support them achieve growth and coach their teachers in designing quality instruction (also pass the dreaded TAKS test). But, what is not in the job description is what is actually my favorite part of the job. My colleagues pick on me because I always seem to fall in love with those who have serious behavior problems. I tend to want to do more for them, even when those kids seemingly rebel against adult intervention in a very big way. What they don't understand is that I seem to be able to see right through them and see their vehement desire for love. Thankfully for them, I love to love them. For example, one of my ten-year old's told me two weeks ago that she felt "suicidal" after I asked her how her weekend was. She then later shared with me her journal and I learned that she sleeps in her twin sisters' cribs so that it's easier for her to feed them in the middle of the night! Apparently, when she goes home from school, she is a "Mami", too. Then, there's my other little boy, ten years old, who's mom is a flight attendant and she's only home for a few days a week. If anybody knew him like I do, you would see that he has a soaring heart and can make you melt with his smile. But, instead, teachers only see the angry side of him that fiercely gets him through the day in the Principal's office. My at-risk kids easily fall into this pattern of behavior. Several of my kids have to be "Mommied" by me and I secretly wish I could bring them home and take care of them. I am often torn when I leave at the end of the day and I know that I won't see them for 5 days. It makes me sad.

I have been having lunch with groups of my fifth graders the past few weeks, for "bonding" purposes. They were sharing with me how "cool" they think I am. I asked them what made me so cool. With such sincerity, they said "Because you listen to us." that's it...oh, they also said, "Because you smile when you walk into the room." So, effortless for me, if they only really knew how extraordinarily easy they make it for me to do that for them.

The wild thing is that I rejected this job twice in a course of 18 months. On the third invitation from the Principal, I was mentally pre-rehearsing a conversation in which I would decline the job because I didn't know if I wanted a career and also be an "almost- full-time Mommy". But, the Principal lured me during that conversation with options that were too good to pass up. Now, I know what actually happened in that moment. I had finally listened to God. This is where he wants me to be. Thank you, God for allowing me to celebrate this beautiful role and allowing me to also bask in that I get to spend so much time at home with my beautiful girls.